14 of the Sketchiest Parenting Tricks That Actually Work, According to Lifehacker Readers

Getting kids to behave the way we want is the biggest challenge of them all, but our parents have a lot of sketchy hacks to mind control their children into submission, which I’m sure will have zero psychological consequences going forward:

“The worst thing I ever did was when my kids were 3 and 4. If they didn’t want to do something I wanted them to do, like go to bed, I’d say, well, why don’t we just flip a coin. Heads I win, tails you lose. That worked well for a few months, but when they finally caught on, they were really pissed.”—JohnU

Teaching kids proper hygiene is a challenge because they are little dirt bags, and it doesn’t bother them one bit. But there’s one trick to at least get them to brush regularly:

“Well, not sure if sketchy because it’s not entirely inaccurate, [but] I tell my kids that if they don’t brush their teeth then they are going to fall out. They have to brush their teeth every day, the toothpaste secures their teeth in their mouth.”—ReginaPhalange*Namastayinbed

Why not terrify your children into adhering to a healthy bathroom regimen?

“I told my friends who had a toddler who didn’t want to go to the bathroom before bedtime that they should tell her she needed to feed the toilet monster before going to bed, otherwise it would climb out of the toilet at night and grab her. For some reason they agreed it would probably be effective, but refused to experiment on their daughter. Today she’s 15 and loves horror movies.”—Douglas

When I was a kid and my mom would host her book club, the smell of coffee seemed so delicious, I begged to try it. One day they gave in and served me the most bitter, pitch-black cup of coffee in the universe, holding in their laughter as I vowed to never try adult beverages ever again. Here’s another variation on the “adult beverage” trick:

“When I was young my family was given some delicious strawberry freezer jam from some family friends. My parents told my siblings and I that the jam was alcoholic so we couldn’t have any. I didn’t discover the truth until I was 30 and I gave the same speech to my nieces. I felt very, very dumb.”—Kyle

Second only to ice cream, most kids would happily choose to eat an all-cookie diet until scurvy and diabetes carried them away. The trick is to never let them discover cookies in the first place:

“I had a friend tell her kids that a saltine cracker is called a ‘cookie.’ So, anytime she was around a relative that offered her a cookie, she politely declined.”—SubtleDadJokes

Kids are notorious for wanting to only eat things they shouldn’t eat a lot of and refusing to eat the stuff that’s good for them. But sketchy parenting once again rides to the rescue with finicky eaters and sweets-obsessed ragamuffins:

“This is definitely sketchy cos I cheated my son into eating all vegetables, and other exotic treats like snails, oysters, raw scallops from the rocks, sushi; right from the start by telling him he’s not actually allowed to have any of it cos it’s only meant for adults, but that it will be our little secret. He was a dream at dinner time.”—Sonnet

Most kids are born addicted to ice cream even before they taste it. Parents have resorted to psychological warfare to prevent their kids from adopting an all-ice cream diet for centuries:

“When my kids were young, if we gave them sweets we didn’t want them asking for, we just didn’t tell them the name of what it was. My kid was dying to have ice cream again but didn’t know ‘ice cream’, and I was like, ‘Cold? Milk? IDK, you want a glass of milk?’—Clovis Sangrall

Kids might be the master of the bedtime stall, but you are smarter than they are, and you know what really makes them tick: 

“Bed time trick. I know some people have a real issue with a TV in a kids bedroom but this trick is worth it. Problems with the one more hug or I need a drink of water, turn on the TV but turn the sound down so low the only way they can hear it is to lay very still. Works great, especially if you sit there. 10-15 min of laying that still and they are out like a light. Then you turn off the TV and ease out. YMMV.”—Jagravy

The only thing more terrifying than one child racing around the house at midnight is a group of children racing around the house at midnight. But game theory provides a solution:

“At our first kid sleepover party, I got them to sleep by 1 but then they woke up at 4 and gamed and were evil the next day. At subsequent parties, I had sleeping competitions, with one piece of candy earned per hour of sleep, and a giant warehouse sized package of gum for the kid who got the most sleep. They policed each other and everyone usually got 6-8 hours of sleep at a party, which I call a win.”—Kathyd4STEM

Kids desperately want to stay up late on special holidays like New Year’s Eve; and you can make them think they did:

“Young kids don’t actually know when midnight is. Find an old video of new year’s eve fireworks and show them it at a reasonable time pretending it’s new year’s. They get to have fun, and enjoy the holiday but aren’t cranky from staying up so late.”—Nicole S

This one is especially useful if your kid requires you to read the same story over and over and over again:

“If you’re tired of reading books to your kids, just let Alexa do it. (The tool is called ‘Reading Sidekick’).—Brainworm

You can’t win an argument against a small child—logic is not exactly their thing. Goofy distractions, on the other hand, are always. very much their jam.

“Distractions win arguments. You can try going head to head with a toddler about whether it’s time to leave the playground, clean the living room, or put up a pacifier. Way easier to change the subject: It’s time to act like lions and roar our way to the car! It’s time for Clean Up Challenge(TM)! It’s time for a mint!”—Brainworm

There’s nothing wrong with a little market manipulation that improves the amount of disposable income you can keep for yourself. Kid about to lose yet another tooth? Time for a sleepover.

“If you want your kids to achieve the maximum return on investment in those loose teeth, have them lose the teeth at grandma’s house, not at home.”—sgtyukon

Hands down: Effective, but evil.

“Tell your kids that when the ice cream truck plays music, that means it’s out of ice cream.”—UXB666